💌 how do you choose life not death?

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Welcome to my imperfect email.

As always, every week, we’ll send a question that will help you reflect on your own imperfect life, inspired by this week’s episode.

Have ever heard of anything more perfect than a literal Doctor of Resilience in our Academy of Imperfection? Perhaps someone who is also an expert in grief?

Well, all of the stars have aligned and Dr Lucy Hone, resilience and grief researcher, joins us in this very special episode.

All of the love,

Bell

We'd love to hear your answer to this question. If you're in the mood to get vulnerable and share your writing, send it through.

As a legitimate expert in grief, resilience and wellbeing, Dr Lucy is able to blend the science with her own lived experience.

This episode explores living losses (divorce, estrangement, infertility), grief comparison, as well as the research around post-traumatic growth. Guided by questions from Dr Lucy’s latest book, How will I ever get through this?, Hugh, Josh and Ryan ask Dr Lucy why grief feels so lonely, how you are supposed to accept loss, and will you ever be happy again, amongst others.

This is a special one.

“Grief is the difference between where your life is and where you thought it would be” (19:47 - 20:04)

^{Dr Lucy loves this definition of grief because humans are predictive beings, and we make maps of what we think our life should be following. Grief disrupts this completely.}

Schedule in the good stuff. (33:39 - 35:08)

^{Get a calendar, and every month, make sure you schedule in something to look forward to. Dr Lucy also likes to colour code hers; green for getting into nature, blue for connection, and pink for special events.}

“Choose life, not death. Don’t loose what you have to what you have lost”. (23:50 - 23:57)

^{This was Dr Lucy’s mantra as she consciously chose, every day, to learn to live in a world which didn’t have Abi in it.}

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Uncomfortable at first, then freedom.

Being the youngest child in my family, I watched my two older siblings and my parents go through conflicts, mistakes and growth. Sitting on the floor, observing everyone around me, gave me a wider perspective. I could see patterns forming: for example, if my mum did this, then my brother would react that way, and conflict would follow.

As a result, I grew up becoming the fixer and the “older one” in the family. I brought people together. I spent hours talking with family members and friends about their problems. I would sacrifice my time, travelling to the other side of Melbourne just to be a support. Eventually, I found a career as a case manager, supporting the most vulnerable people in the community, with the belief that fixing meant less pain.

Over time, wearing the badge of “Miss Fixer” led me to burnout. I realised I didn’t really know who I was, my role had always been to tend to the needs of others. During COVID in 2020, I read Harry Potter for the first time and I wanted to cry. I had rediscovered a part of myself. As a child, I loved reading, getting lost in fantasy worlds and escaping the drama of my own life.

Even after COVID, the need to fix continued. When my husband experienced redundancy and lost his spark, I focused on the idea that “if he gets a job, everything will be fine,” rather than truly seeing a man who was hurting. At the time, I doubted his confidence and abilities, and he could feel that. In time, I learned the difference between holding someone’s hand and guiding them toward the light, versus creating an artificial light that collapses the moment I step away.

Eventually, I found a job where I had a mentor who said to me, “You don’t need to case-manage your friends, family or husband, just be their friend, wife or daughter,” and asked, “What do you want?” No one had ever asked me that before. Slowly, I began to understand myself more clearly.

Now, as a 32-year-old autistic woman (diagnosed last year), I finally understand why I gravitated toward pattern recognition, creating predictable environments, reducing conflict, and living with little sense of self. It feels both uncomfortable and empowering to understand myself more each day, and to discover what truly works for me.

Chrissie

Thank you so much for sharing your reflection with us, and with all of you! Always vulnerable responsibly.

Dr Lucy's newsletter, Finding Your Way Weekly, shares reflective questions and all kinds of unique, practical ideas for navigating tough times. We love her fusion of pragmatism and science and think you will love it too! Go and subscribe now via the button below: 

In this week’s episode she also mentions her Things to Look Forward To Calendar - the perfect tool for planning the year around the people, places and practices that matter most to you - also available on her website. 

Her book, How Will I Ever Get Through This? (available now at your favourite book store) will help anyone feeling overwhelmed and powerless find their way back to living the life they want again. 

Have you ever wondered who you connect with the most?

As in, who are you most imperfectly aligned to?

Are you Hugh; empathetic, leader, loose grip on time management?

Ryan; creative, witty and low-key emo with an unhealthy need for validation?

Josh; curious, musically talented and high-key emo?

or Dr Emily; infinitely wise, incredibly empathic, with a penchant for Balwyn Cinema anecdotes?

Take this QUIZ to find out. No take-backs.

Did this newsletter make you think of someone in particular?