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Welcome to my imperfect email.

A little green-eyed monster told me that you’ve been looking forward to an episode about envy? With our resident psychologist Dr Emily?

Well, consider today your lucky day.

In perpetuity,

Bell

We'd love to hear your answer. If you're in the mood to get vulnerable and share your writing, send it through.

Founded in the evolutionary practice of assessing our status in comparison with others, envy comes from the feeling of lacking something that someone else has.

In what may have been an adaptive function for a cave person to secure their basic needs, our brains are not equipped for the intense comparison fed to us via social media.

Dr Emily chats to Hugh, Ryan and Josh about the layered experience of envy, and how often, it stems from feeling not-enough or unworthy.

Of course, Dr Emily brings the strategies. We explore how to work with envy in our own lives, and how to acknowledge it in the lives of our friends and family to protect important relationships.

Dr Em, we’ll see you for the sequel on jealousy soon.

You are enough exactly as you are. (48:43 - 49:10)

Take a social media break. (1:04:25 - 1:06:10)

_{Social media is envy on steroids. If you notice envy showing up a lot for you, take stock of how much time you spend on social media, and the types of accounts that you follow.}

Try downward comparison. (1:07:27 - 1:11:00)

_{Used appropriately, this technique can expand our awareness and appreciation for what we DO have, rather than what we are lacking. Participating in values lead activities, such as volunteering, can be great way to jump start your downward comparison.}

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Dear Jake,

I’ll be honest. Life is about to get very difficult. I know 10 or 11 years sounds like a long time in the future, but believe me you’ll be where I am before you know it. There’s going to be love that you thought was reserved for the silver screen, tremendous loss, daily excitement and joy, and many different types of grief, but I promise you, you will be okay.

I don’t want to scare you, but where you are right now in 2015, and where I am in 2026, there is almost nothing that remains of the life you’re living now. I know that sounds terrifying, because right now you’re on top of the world. And believe me, there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t think about how life used to be before everything changed. Please don’t panic, and please find some hope and solace in the below sentence.

You’re not where you hoped you’d be, but you are living the future you always dreamed of.

I’m trying not to spoil too much for you, because I don’t want to change how you handled things. You went through some of the most horrible and difficult things, but with your family by your side, and an incredibly positive attitude, you got through it all and beat everything the world threw at you.

You may not be impacting the world in the ways that you hoped, but you’re impacting your world and have created the most beautiful family, with the woman of your dreams. I know you love your family now, and your friends, and I know you have deep, deep passions. But trust me, you have not experienced a love like the one when you meet your children. You always knew you wanted to be a father, and now it is the biggest piece of your identity and your entire being. You love every aspect of it, despite how challenging it is at times.

I’ve seen you grow into the father you are today, and the thing I’m most proud of is that you are so understanding, so patient, so giving. But more than anything, you are so conscious of being the parent that you needed at that age. Those kids are lucky to have you, and every year that passes, you form a deeper bond with them.

I know you dreamed of being on a stage, and I know life was heading that way, but life has a funny way of working out, and I suppose it’s all about balance. You can’t have it all. No sacrifice, no victory. 

In your 30’s you’re still longing for that creative outlet and still trying to find your place in the world. But believe me, you will touch lives, and you will affect people around the world in some ways. And rather than you being a constant known presence in the world, your creativity will touch people’s hearts and impact them positively. I know that’s what you have always wanted. Your work will appear online, and comments like “thank you so much for this”, “you have a gift”, “I’m bawling my eyes out. This is beautiful.” will appear from time to time and reinforce that you are special, you do matter, and you do have something to offer the world. You feel things so deeply. You could cry at a sunset, get goosebumps from a string quartet, and you genuinely care for others so much.

Your life is worth fighting for.

It’s not long now until the next chapter kicks off for you, and what a rollercoaster it is. Please hold onto this letter as a piece of hope, knowing that it gets better. And for the fight you’re about to begin? There is life, health, and so much joy on the other side.

Stay strong mate, your future depends on it x

_______________________________________________

For context, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma at the age of 21, and after being told that the chemotherapy could ruin my reproductive system, my girlfriend (of only eight months) and I decided to try and start a family in the two weeks before I was going to start chemo. We both knew we were definitely going to be parents at some stage in our life because we had always wanted that. How blessed we are that it worked and we welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world, just as I was finishing treatment. 

My illness took away a lot from me. And it was a pretty severe life changing moment. In my mind there is only before cancer, and after cancer. The only carryover was my wife and my family. At that time, obviously starting a family, we moved into our own home quite far away from where I grew up, I got a different job, my friends all disappeared as they hadn’t quite reached the point of maturity to understand the severity of the situation, and safe to say all of my confidence in my creative abilities diminished. I was a very active singer songwriter trying to make my way in the world — writing songs and performing at open mic nights and booking small community gigs. But that all got taken away, with my physical ability reduced, and the pain and vulnerability of constantly being tested, poked, and prodded.

Nowadays, I’ve turned to creative writing and poetry, uploading spoken word pieces about parenthood, time, and life, online. I’m not changing the world but I’ve gotten some comments from people around the world, saying what my words have meant to them. 

And while I’m not fulfilling my dream on the world’s stage, I get to come home to my dream every single night. And still touch people’s lives around the world — from time to time.

Life was completely different a decade ago.
But I’m still me —
and I’m right where I’m meant to be.

Jake

Thank you so much for sharing your reflection with us, and with all of you! Always vulnerable responsibly.

Introducing A Little More Questions, where we are welcoming back your favourite guests to ask them, well, a little more questions.

In our first episode, Maria Ruberto is in the studio to talk about thinking traps: what are they? how do you know you’re in one? And what are some strategies for getting out?

SUPER important note: A Little More Questions is hosted by Josh van Cuylenburg (you know, from the podcast), and the best podcast producer in the whole world (as voted by me), Bridget Northeast.

AND to celebrate the launch, this episode is available to everyone, FOR FREE.

Did this newsletter make you think of someone in particular?