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Welcome to my imperfect email.

As always, every week, we’ll send a question that will help you reflect on your own imperfect life, inspired by this week’s episode.

With his heart on his sleeve (and the wrong side of his body), Troy Kinne is in the studio with one of the greatest backstories to a Vulnerabilitea House Card of all time.

The magic keyboard usually writes this part,

Bell

Bell Northeast

when is a time that you’ve felt ashamed?

We'd love to hear your answer to this question. If you're in the mood to get vulnerable and share your writing, send it through.

Send in your answer

It’s What’s Inside That’s Backwards

With Troy Kinne

Troy Kinne’s heart is in the right place. As in, it’s on the wrong side.

In fact, many of Troy’s organs are in the ‘wrong’ place. Which can be hard on the immune system, but great material for a stand-up comedian.

Joining us in the Vulnerabilitea House, and answering the question, ‘when is a time you’ve felt ashamed?’ Troy takes us on a journey, from being offered a (life)line by a fish and chip shop in his 20’s, to the effect that being sick for an entire year had on his mental health.

Troy chats to Josh about the light he found in his darkest times, and how living without fear allowed him to venture into the comedy world for the first time.

Speaking about success, and whether it will ever be enough, Troy is really open about what it is like to have to find yourself again after realising that you are no longer the underdog, and how hard it can be to offer your current self compassion.

Watch now

For right now

Imagine you’re 20 years older. What kind thing does future you say to now you about how hard you’re trying? (1:03:02 - 1:03:24)

For this week

Embrace your obstacles. (39:38-40:15)

^{As Troy says, ‘there’s a reason they don’t make movies about people that nothing happens to, because they would be boring as shit’. As the main character in the movie of your life, how might you work through the obstacle in front of you right now?}

For this season of your life

Live life like you’re going to die. (40:20-40:34)

^{During a serious bout of depression, that left Troy questioning whether he wanted to live, he watched a movie (Fearless), about a man who survives a plane crash and decides to live life with reckless abandon. Grabbing onto this idea, Troy decides to stay on Earth for a bit longer, to try living without the fear of failure.}

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what experiences have impacted how you feel about your health?

When I was 28, my mum died. She was 58. Her mum died at 48.

When I was 41, I had my gallbladder removed. 18 months later, I had an emergency appendectomy after my appendix burst.

I think before these two surgeries, I was already convinced that I would get cancer and die young, like mum did. Genetically (and in all the other ways), I am so much more similar to her than my dad - who's 84 and will outlive us all. So I've assumed that my health and impending death will come for me, as it did my mum.

Since becoming a mum myself, this fear has compounded. I imagine what it would be like for my family to wake up and find me dead. How would my husband earn money and care for our girls? How would the trauma affect the rest of their lives?

I dread the thought of them having to wade through the grief and unpack that baggage if I die while they're young. Every abdominal twinge or pain I get, I worry it's an organ that isn't expendable - they can take my uterus but otherwise I pretty much need everything! Maybe one kidney could go...

I catastrophise at the best of times, but it was only recently that I realised these intrusive thoughts and constant worry about my health has a name - health anxiety.

I'm now working on this with a therapist, as I would hate to waste the precious time I do have, worrying about something that might not happen, and if it did, may be largely out of my control. In our first session, my therapist said "see, you're worried that you're out of organs you can live without. I think, great! They've taken your gallbladder and appendix, there's nothing else!" What a reframe. Fingers crossed.

I hope that with time and work, I can free my brain and nervous system of these worries. I'd hate for all this stress and anxiety to give me cancer. Wouldn't that be an ironic twist.

Brodie